Enemies to Lovers  – Week 2

Introduction

Last week, when I said neuroscience is boring, I didn’t mean I wasn’t thankful for it. It is just that I am bored by it because I am resistant to clear-cut definitions. And I am resistant to them because there is nothing personal about measuring what neurons fire where. It seems like only a person who is privileged enough to make mistakes without fear could approach such a material field with caution – being aware that it has room for mistakes. That’s why it feels fixed, and I fear that it is almost unable to change once it is decided. I know, sounds like a personal issue. To be honest – it definitely is.

What is really wrong is that I am constantly terrorized by the idea of making an unintentional mistake. I am terribly afraid of breaking a heart – or making an impact so powerful that it can change a life but it turns out to be more harm than help. It is not that I consider science a matter of belief, of course. It is the realization that psychology as a field is crushingly powerful, and I am intimidated by it. It is just really overwhelming for me to even consider myself worthy of studying it. So, yes, I am insecure about it.

And yes, I will try to stop being so insecure about it because I think it’s the only way forward. Part of this is because I want to prove to myself that conflict matters in a sense I am not yet aware of, and mistakes are a part of it. And part of it is to bring perspective to this very personal issue from a cultural point of view, which aligns with the aim of this course.

Learning to make an argument, a statement, and a decision

For this entry, I will:

• Ask a question
• Make an argument
• Make a statement
• Make a decision

Question: Why am I horrified by making mistakes?

Argument

My fear of making mistakes can be understood through the lens of cultural neuroscience. As the chapter goes above and beyond explaining whether cultural neuroscience is able to support or oppose my argument, I won’t even bother.

In interdependent cultures, individuals are more attuned to social expectations and norms. Social duties, responsibilities, and obligations are considered more important. So, mistakes do not have only personal consequences. This explains why I am so afraid of making unintended mistakes and why they evoke intense feelings in me. My self-construal is shaped mostly by interdependent self-construal, so I am very sensitive about not causing harm to others, conflicting with them, or even proving them wrong. Because in interdependent self-construal, maintaining harmony and relationships matters the most.

Interdependent individuals also report lower self-esteem. This explains why I did not claim a single positive thing about myself in the introduction. I defined myself as “insecure”, “afraid”, and “not worthy”. Moreover, low-arousal emotions are valued more in interdependent cultures. “Boring” being one, I can understand why I claimed I was “bored” by neuroscience, instead of “annoyed”. It gets even better knowing if people are not expressive emotionally (which is desirable for interdependent cultures), they might look for other sources of information. This includes relational contexts for the emotional experience or cultural norms about what the feelings should be (which is exactly what I aimed to do with this entry).

Cultural neuroscience also argues that our brain can keep the memory of culture, proving not only that it exists but also how, why, where, and where it existed. Our cumulative experiences of culture leave traces in our brains, even before being born. It is also argued that our neural network can be shaped by our culture’s core beliefs and practices. So it is a possibility that my upbringing played a role in this. I was raised in an environment where traditional gender dynamics, social obligations, and conflicting expectations intersected. My mother always felt guilty for challenging authority and was brought up in the 80s with a mother who lost his husband very early, leaving her behind with 7 daughters. This also aligns with the findings that under high degrees of threat, stronger norms (and greater interdependence among people) may have been helpful.

Finally, for interdependent individuals, ERN (a neural response to an error when it was committed during a cognitive task) is proved to be higher for both the self and friend conditions. This further supports my argument that if I make a mistake, I do not consider it as just a personal thing.

Statement

My fear of making mistakes is culturally implanted in my brain to avoid disrupting harmony, maintaining social relationships, and avoiding conflict. Mistakes are threatening because I evaluate them in a social context, that is with what I consider the norms and obligations are. My self-constural is shaped by my reinforcements, and my upbringing, and is stored in my neural networks.

Decision

While I named neuroscience “boring” at first, I now understand it is a great opportunity to be more cautious with what I do. Adding to that, although my self-construals and culture may be embedded in my brain, they are not inherently faulty. I am reframing my perspective on mistakes with the help of what I found in this chapter and accepting them as unavoidable but valuable.

Final Thoughts

I know this seems like a lot but I tried to keep it light-hearted. And I wanted to finally add for anyone who might be concerned with my neurotic entry, as the chapter touches on that, it isn’t necessarily linked to lowered biological health, in fact, I might even be healthier this way! Allow me to end this already cheesy conclusion with even cheesier behavior: sharing a quote.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” – Rumi.